Perfect on Paper
by TheFirstMrsHummel
Summary: Kurt and Blaine are finally together, but despite his happiness, Kurt still has some doubts.  This is a Kurt POV on the Klaine situation, rated T for mildly naughty language and some heavy petting.  PLEASE READ THE AUTHOR NOTES BEFORE READING/REVIEWING!


_**To my fellow Kurtofsky Pirates:**__** Just an FYI that I am *not* jumping ship. My fics tend to not stray far from cannon at the time they're written, and whether we like it or not, Klaine is cannon for now and the immediate future. This fic is me trying to make sense of the bizarre roller-coaster Klaine has been on since SLS, and explore how Kurt might feel conflicted about being jerked around, but still be happy about winding up with what he's wanted since the beginning of Glee; a boyfriend who, for all intents and purposes, loves and appreciates him. I appreciate and welcome your feedback, but if you're going to review just to say I'm a heartless traitor, you can just skip it. I still believe in endgame Kurtofsky, even if RIB doesn't agree with me.**_

_**To any Klainers reading this:**__** Just an FYI that I technically don't ship Klaine. I'm glad that Kurt is happy for now, and that he has a boyfriend who appears for the moment to be 100% into him. And on a purely OMG level, I found the Klaine kiss all kinds of hot (Hell, I think I would find ANYONE kissing Chris Colfer hot). This fic is going to mention some possibly unflattering things about Blaine, so if you're not okay with that, please skip reading it. Before you get out the torches and pitchforks, just remember that *I'm* not the one who wrote Cannon!Blaine with such wildly conflicting characterization over the past month. I actually feel sorry for poor Darren - he must get his scripts and be like, "Wait, I'm feeling WHAT this week?" This is not an attempt to bash Blaine or Klaine, and any accusations that I'm doing that will be treated with the importance they deserve (in other words, zero).**_

**ADDITIONAL A/N: This story's only been up for a couple of hours and I'm already getting people not respecting my wishes about the ship bashing. Saying you don't ship Kurtofsky is fine, but it honestly has NOTHING to do with the story; so if you would be so kind, please limit your comments to the story content. _Please._ It was hard enough for me to have enough faith in fandom civility to post this, and I hate that some people are already proving my doubts so strongly. If I get many more comments like these, I'm taking the story down and I will never, EVER post a fic here with another Kurt pairing. And for those of you who have done as I asked? Thank you so very much, from the bottom of my heart. You guys are the reason I even attempted to post this in the first place.  
**

_**So…on with the story?**_

Having a real, honest-to-Gaga boyfriend who returned your affections was just about as awesome as Kurt had dreamed it would be. Well, for the most part, at least.

The kissing was…sublime. And they did it a lot, whenever they could get some privacy. Blaine was a great kisser, and Kurt was pretty sure he wasn't such a slouch himself in that department. It wasn't just the physical pleasure of making out with Blaine, though that was certainly nothing to sneeze at. But mostly, Kurt just loved being held close to another person, and hearing about how much he was appreciated and adored for just being him. It was what he had always yearned for but never really thought he would achieve in adolescence; acceptance, love and desire from another boy. And rolled up in a cute and talented package to boot. It was about as close to perfect as one could get, Kurt thought.

So why was part of him holding back? He knew it confused Blaine, but he could hardly explain it since it confused him even more.

It wasn't really about him being uncomfortable with sexuality or sensuality. For as much as Kurt had protested that he'd be happy with nothing sexier than the brush of fingertips, he was finding out that it was a fairly easy thing to say when you didn't really have any options for exploring anything more. Or any actual experience with what feeling sexy was _really_ like. But now that he'd kissed Blaine? Had his hands on his face, in his hair, and stroking all over his crisply dress-shirted chest? Had his tongue in Blaine's mouth, and vice-versa? Finally felt what it was like to have his dick swell in response to having that sensitive spot under his ear nibbled, and felt a similar hardness pressing against his thigh when Blaine leaned in to do just that? He was quite sure that he was over his initial discomfort regarding sexual activity. In fact, had he not been feeling so…_conflicted_, he'd have thought that his dad actually had perfect timing with the pamphlets about safe sex, as horrifying as the conversation had been. Burt's words about how fooling around was fun, felt great, and lots of times you didn't want to stop were amazingly accurate, as it turned out.

But his father, as usual, had been right about a lot of things. Including the part about how being with another person made you completely vulnerable in that moment. Kurt had become something of a control freak over the years, mostly as a defense against a world that seemed to be set on never allowing him to achieve any real degree of contentment or joy. So letting go was hard for him in general, and there were only a scattered few people he was able to let down his guard with. Blaine, of course, was one of these people. But only, it seemed, up to a point.

He thought about what had just transpired a couple of hours ago in his bedroom. They had been laying on his bed side by side, fronts pressed together and tongues tangling in a series of wet, passionate kisses. Every once in a while, a murmur or gasp would slip out of one of them as their desire rose. Blaine had placed his hand on Kurt's chest and began to caress it though his thin long-sleeved tee, his sweater having been discarded nearly 15 minutes earlier, next to the bed on the floor. But then Blaine's hand had wandered lower to toy with the waistband of Kurt's pants, and Kurt began to feel the haze of lust recede a little bit. He still didn't make any sound of protest, though, which Blaine must have taken as an encouraging sign. Because suddenly, he slid his hand down to the hard bulge at the apex of Kurt's thighs and pressed firmly with his palm. Kurt gasped into Blaine's mouth as two wildly conflicting thoughts hit his brain at the same time; _Oh God that feels so good keep going_ and _Oh no not there not yet no way_. By the time he'd figured out which thought was going to win out in the end, the pressing had escalated to rubbing and squeezing. Kurt tore his lips away from Blaine's and grabbed his hand, yanking it away from his erection. "Stop it," he said, a little louder and shakier than he'd intended. He hoped no one in his family was anywhere near his bedroom door right now. He didn't want them to think that Blaine was doing anything _wrong_, because he wasn't. They just had their signals crossed a little.

Kurt saw a flash of hurt cross Blaine's face, before it was quickly replaced with concern. "I'm so sorry, Kurt," he said. "I didn't mean to pressure you or anything, I just thought-"

"No, it's okay," said Kurt quickly, cutting him off. "I guess I'm just not ready for that kind of thing yet." He looked at Blaine's face and saw no upset or judgment; only compassion and more than a little worry. It was totally adorable, and turned Kurt's discomfort into warm affection again. He rolled off the bed, wanting to make sure he wasn't sending any mixed signals this time. He came around to Blaine's side of the bed as the other boy sat up, kneeling in front of him and taking his hands. "And it's not your fault at all. This is really new, for both of us, and it's so easy to get carried away." He tilted his head to the side, eyes growing soft. "I like what you do to me, Blaine. What we do together. But I think we just need to take it slow. We've got lots of time for that, right?"

Blaine took Kurt's face in his hands, and brought his lips to Kurt's smooth forehead in a sweet kiss that make Kurt's heart clench. "Of course we do," Blaine said. "All the time in the world."

Blaine had left soon after, and instead of hopping online to see if Mercedes was logged into IM, or going downstairs to see what Carole was making for dinner, he decided to stay in his room and think a little. It had been nearly a month since Blaine had related his epiphany to Kurt, and followed it up with a brain-melting kiss of epic proportions. Since then, they had spent nearly all of their free time together, and a significant part of it making out. He didn't blame Blaine at all for trying to take things a step further. On paper, it pretty much seemed like exactly the right time - neither creepily too soon or suspiciously too late. The perfect time.

Except that it wasn't. And the hell of it was, Kurt just couldn't figure out why. So he sat in his room and pondered. He was a teenager, dammit, and in his first actual relationship. As far as he was concerned, he was more than justified in having a self-absorbed emo moment or two.

What was the big deal about going from kissing to first base? Kurt wondered if it was maybe because it would be a true first for him. Blaine was, of course, the one to give him what he considered his first _real _kiss; wanted, consensual and not mired in any sort of confusion or crisis like the first two had been. But regardless, Blaine had simply not been Kurt's first kiss, or even his second one. But if he let Blaine touch him intimately? Down there? That was a first for sure, unless he counted his own hand. And all he could hear right now was his dad's words in the back of his mind, telling him that sex changed who you were inside. Your heart, and your self-esteem. Burt hadn't used the word, but it came to him in a flash anyway. You needed to be able to _**trust**_the person you gave yourself to, in order to expose yourself that way. And as much as he liked Blaine? Loved spending time with him? Enjoyed being physically and emotionally close to him? Was very possibly head-over-heels in love with him? If he was honest with himself, he wasn't sure he _trusted_ Blaine not to hurt him in the end.

His mind rebelled instantly at the thought, but he pursued the idea despite the distaste. Blaine was wonderful, in his own way. When Kurt had first met him, he was pretty sure that Blaine was the most perfect boy on the entire planet. But over the months, he had begun to realize that like everyone else, Blaine had his flaws. He could be completely obtuse about the most obvious things (like not realizing how much Kurt had crushed on him), and he had some boundary issues (like organizing a seduction flashmob in a freaking Gap, or walking into his dad's garage and insisting that Burt talk to his son openly about safe sex). That was all fine and dandy, since it wasn't like Kurt was anything close to flawless himself. But when he really thought about it in the context of trust, he realized there was one other issue Blaine had. It was entirely relevant, and possibly even the very source of Kurt's hesitance.

Blaine was…fickle. Or at least, he had been quite a lot the last couple of months. First he was "in love" with Jeremiah, who it turned out had been a couple of casual coffee dates at most. Right after, Kurt had told Blaine about his feelings for him, and Blaine had quickly steered the conversation into what Kurt had interpreted as the "just friends" discussion. A couple of weeks later, Blaine had not only kissed a girl and liked it - to quote Katy Perry - but had gone on a completely sober and intentional date with said girl to explore his possible bisexuality. A week after _that_, Blaine had made some very hurtful comments to Kurt about how ridiculous he found it when Kurt tried to be sexy. He'd even ramped up the awkwardness and hurt by goading Kurt into trying to practice looking sexy, even though Kurt thought that someone both blind and deaf could have realized how painfully humiliating the exercise was. And on top of it, immediately after, Blaine wanted to tell Kurt everything he knew about sex, in some sort of graphic detail that Kurt didn't even want to imagine at the time. Kurt had finally had enough, and was proud of himself for having the guts to tell Blaine to leave. He hadn't quite worked himself up to let loose with the _don't let the doorknob hit you in the ass on the way out_ comment that had been looping continuously in his head, but he was convinced he'd gotten his point across.

He'd been so sure that that afternoon had been the final nail in the coffin of his romantic feelings for Blaine, and found the idea kind of freeing at that point. For once, he didn't have to worry about what Blaine thought, or watch his every word or move in an effort to impress him. He said exactly what came to his mind, whether or not it was appropriate or even particularly kind. He tried not to think about how much it reminded him fondly of being back at McKinley; at least before all that horrifying crap with Karofsky had started. But then poor, sweet Pavorotti had died, and Kurt's mourning song (and possibly his mourning outfit, which was admittedly fierce) had spurred Blaine into one more 180 degree turn. In the space of a single song, Blaine realized that he wanted and needed Kurt. And after that amazing kiss, it wasn't like Kurt was about to try and convince him otherwise.

Blaine had told Kurt that afternoon that he'd been waiting for him his whole life. And since then, that Kurt was his final destination and happily-ever-after. Kurt wanted to believe it, and up until he'd really thought about it, he kind of had. But what if Blaine changed his mind again? What if another shiny new toy came across Blaine's path, and he realized that his feelings for Kurt were just as easily forgotten as those for Jeremiah, or Rachel? What if he opened himself up to Blaine, and gave him everything he had both inside and outside, only to be discarded like last year's Prada sweater-dress? _What if the only reason he started to like me was because I stopped chasing him and finally became a challenge, instead of a lovesick puppy? _The though made Kurt's stomach lurch with nausea.

Unlike Blaine, Kurt wasn't fickle. When he fell, he fell hard, and completely. And he just couldn't give something that could never be taken back to someone who he feared might very well leave him shortly after. It would break his heart, crush his soul, and quite possibly create trauma that he might carry with him for the rest of his life. _That_ was why he was holding back, and he brushed a tear from his eye as he came to the revelation, as grateful as he was for the insight.

He would bide his time, and take it slow. Let Blaine prove to him that he was really in it for the long haul. Because, as his dad had said, it mattered. He was worth it.

Kurt may not have been sure of very much, but he was definitely sure of one thing. He was totally worth the wait.

_Would love to hear what you all think of this in reviews, but please please please keep any ship wars and/or fan wanking out of it. Your expected cooperation is greatly appreciated. XD_


End file.
